the ornithogrinarium - Ψυχῆς ἰατρεῖον

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

year in review

Dear Gentleman en route to Gatwick - Thank you for showing me how it's done. In the jump seat, with the stewardesses, cross country.

Dear X - I know you had a dream that one day you'd care for your elderly parents with video games. Let me just say, I am at a loss of words to describe noisy-breathing, compulsively throat-clearing old people demonstrating partial deafness, fiddling with a controller they have absolutely no concept of how to operate while a recorded voice berates them over and over for pathetic play. Except possibly to suggest you consider carefully similar, with the added intrigue of dementia and adult diapers.

Dear Jordan - I stand by what I said about your ethical crisis and "No Country for Old Men" as my greatest hit of 2008. I hope the job was good, and you're proud to wear your dad's belt.

Dear Jessie Jo - You have more friends than I've had in my life.

Dear Psychologist - I'm sorry for being an embarrassment. And for sucking. Thanks. Except for the mirroring. I hate it.

Dear CBC (The Hour, The National, DNTO, Q and things between), Mr Lapham, Cabinet and Acne Paper - Thank you for making my mainstream media-consuming time rewarding.

Dear D - Thank you for talking me down, several times. Your kids are lucky.

Dear Girl Least Likely To - I feel lucky to have gotten to know you some this year.

Dear Factory Supervisor - I believe that you make beautiful things, and that is an important thing to do.

Dear Super Editor - I hope one day I'm tougher. You are.

Dear Cats: This is for you.

prosecco for all

Happy New Year. Next year will be better.

Monday, December 29, 2008

zombie attack

I saw my former best friend's fiance walking in the snow. [ Deleted, the discourse beginning, He's a little bitch, okay?] A walking memory sort of thing that inspires in me fury as sincere as the desire to slit my own throat.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

ice cold

Boxing Day shopping was a success. I was nearly trampled by the crowd and left stranded in a snow back but I got a really good deal on sweater and tights, and I got boots (with a heel to stomp you under), which will make up for the tights (no one will know..) and of course aid my endeavor to look hotter in the new year.

Friday, December 26, 2008

my city by the sea

via FFFFound

Right now we've got snowdrifts shoulder high.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

maybe it was the solstice?

I finished my paper. Much gratitude to the girl least likely to and the super-editor.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

at the bottom of the shallow barrel

Lately the attempt to purchase clothes is inciting an identity crisis. Or, nothing is me, and I don't know what I'm supposed to wear then. This happens when I think of gray t-shirts. I doubt the need for further details.

Saturday, December 13, 2008


I fear my brain may just not organize and reduce well enough to do history any more. The way they use logic seems all wrong, the road deconstructively collapsing behind the author. They ask questions and I can't tell how to answer them without plopping the whole of the course materials on the table in front of them. That's what I said when the prof asked.

Trying again, ten times simpler, with more collective nouns.

Sent draft off to super-editor, hoping it won't cause permanent damage to her soul. She changes three words and imparts directionality.

Considering titling the paper "FUCKED." In tribute to the super-editor's sass.

Friday, December 5, 2008

family dynamics

I wish I could have a more distant relationship with my mother rather than feel pressured to fill a gap in her life as a supportive close friend and an affirmation of her not-really a choice to be a mother. I'm not, or I don't, and instead I come out as a complicated kind of emotional failure.

Thursday, December 4, 2008


At Better Burn That Dress, Sister I am now listed as a feminist blogger, which, as despite the yippieness of personal recognition, is a designation I feel the immediate need to apologize for - something about ignorance and the ridiculousness, as someone put it, of female parts calling out to one another in the jungle night. Much more respectable I think is the project publishing reader thoughts on gender being assembled by Sarah at Genderfork, where some gorgeous things are being written.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

fairly normal

My psychologist has taught me to do things the easy way, to learn things without doing to much work, i.e. by letting him do the difficult conceptual work for me and then deciding on whether it works, or might work, or not. It's the great books version of cognitive behavioral therapy. I am sad that it seems things are almost done between us. I have difficulty viewing my relationship with doctors as a similar kind of negotiation as I do with family. Mostly because they judge harshly and many seem to stomp around inflicting psychic pain out of dumbness, ignoring what I say while shouting "WHAT DO YOU WANT." Does this kind of dramatization make me value my family and their suffering more? No, it does not. Partly, it makes me want to inflict violent death on myself as a way of blowing a hole in the daisy chain of cosmic order. That's a pleasing sentence for what I know many people feel on various levels. Partly I try to be aware enough to continue to insist on enough separation.

Monday, December 1, 2008

it's like

you had it all under control, and there it is, a starburst in front of you.

yes, i know, enough about the cat

When I get in bed at night, the cat climb on top of me and gives me eskimo kisses. Then she moves.