the ornithogrinarium - Ψυχῆς ἰατρεῖον


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

fairly normal

My psychologist has taught me to do things the easy way, to learn things without doing to much work, i.e. by letting him do the difficult conceptual work for me and then deciding on whether it works, or might work, or not. It's the great books version of cognitive behavioral therapy. I am sad that it seems things are almost done between us. I have difficulty viewing my relationship with doctors as a similar kind of negotiation as I do with family. Mostly because they judge harshly and many seem to stomp around inflicting psychic pain out of dumbness, ignoring what I say while shouting "WHAT DO YOU WANT." Does this kind of dramatization make me value my family and their suffering more? No, it does not. Partly, it makes me want to inflict violent death on myself as a way of blowing a hole in the daisy chain of cosmic order. That's a pleasing sentence for what I know many people feel on various levels. Partly I try to be aware enough to continue to insist on enough separation.

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